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And so the mighty Phenylketonurics returns...

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WARNING! Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine

Latest channel additions, June 20th, 2018

What is Phenylketonurics?

The chances that you have in your home--your very own cozy-comfy cove--something labelled with the 16-letter word PHENYLKETONURICS are high. Incredibly, incredulously high. It's a word that you probably stumble to pronounce yet it's sitting in the room like an elephant. A smiling pink elephant perhaps.

Have on hand any diet soda? Chewing gum perhaps? Maybe some instant coffee packets or water flavour packs? Sugar-free candy commonly carries this hefty, science-y word somewhere on the packaging. Go rummage around a bit, it shouldn't take you long to find this word within physical reach. But what in the world is Phenylketonurics and why does it contain phenylalanine, an equally tongue-tying word?

Let's start off with pronunciation. In English, the first 'p' word is much more simple once broken down; FEH-NULL • KEY-TOE • NO-RICKS. After running that by a couple times, you are a pronunciation master and the next 'p' word should prove a walk through the park; FEH-NULL • AH-LA • NEEN. More like Fun-ylalanine, yeah, yeah?

So phenylketonurics, word that appears on a variety of things we encounter daily, what are you? Simply put, you are people. Phenylketonurics is the term given to people who can't metabolise phenylalanine. And that actually just leads to another question. What is phenylalanine and why are there people who can't metabolise it? Is it a boycott? Couldn't these phenylketonurics at least try? I mean, it's such a fun word to say; phenylalanine!

The truth is, phenylalanine is an elusive protein. Well, it's an amino acid to be specific. An essential amino acid that is actually part of all human beings (it's even found in breastmilk). Miniscule and quiet, it behaves in an individualistic way because of its inherently level-headed nature. It prefers to structure itself in moderate levels, balancing stylishly across a multitude of platforms. Tiling and panelling patterns settle its sense of structure and the chains which build and interact with it become strong, nonpolar bonds of addictive catharsis.

In a ridiculously rare instance it accumulated to such a point in a being that it became sentient, driving the organic processes on a subconscious level. There was no way to predict that consuming phenylalanine would create Phenylketonurics. But it's almost 200 times the sweet of sugar! Therefore causing chemicals to metabolise at 200 times the normal speed.

When the nonpolar bonds were freed in this high-speed metabolisation, Phenylketonurics didn't even feel the shifting panels of amino acids. And really, the brain doesn't have nerves of physical sensation. So Phenylketonurics' brain operates on a function of synapses running to the point of cellular death. If those cells die because of the speed of induced cartharsis, they weren't worth keeping anyway. It's the lovechild of Darwin and Feynman on a cellular level.

"Things on a very small scale behave like nothing that you have any direct experience about." The process is the product and that product is sweet indeed.